I apologize in advance for the following rant. Children and sensitive pets should consider skipping it. It's been stewing for a year plus so if you're inclined to be bothered by excessive A)negativity or B)foul language... don't complain because I warned you.
So today was one of my coworkers' last days at work. He's retiring, and technically he's a superior, not a coworker, but he's not in my chain of command and, anyway, he's retired. So it doesn't matter. Back to the point. He's a nice guy, I like him. He's aware I've been trying to get out of my job for some time and helped a bit last autumn to get the process moving again.
He stopped by to say goodbye, or at any rate see you later. Among the things he said were, "Don't let the job get you down," and "At least they're giving you a paycheck."
Too late. The job has got me down. I'm not going to apologize for that or make excuses and I don't need to explain matters, either. The amount of time I've been sitting in that office going absolutely nowhere is not to be sneezed at and regardless of whether it should or not, the job has got me down. I hate the job more because of that. Fuck the job.
And I was thinking about the second comment a bit later in the day. Nearly everyone I've spoken with--and bear in mind I never speak to anyone at my job about how much I want to leave my job or how much trouble I'm having doing so, apart from my boss, people come to me to chat and always ask about it (my favorite is "Gee I thought you'd be out of here already," one of the most irritating and cretinous things anyone could possibly say to someone in my position)--has said the very same thing. At least they're still giving me a paycheck.
Did you know prisoners in penitentiaries making license plates get paid? They do. Pennies a plate, but at least they're still getting a paycheck.
Well fuck them, and fuck their paycheck. I don't want the fucking paycheck anymore. If they weren't giving me a paycheck, do any of these dribbling morons think I'd still be at work? I'd love to stop getting a paycheck from my employer. I would love it! I fucking hate them! I hate going to work, I hate being at work, I hate doing the work, I hate talking to people at work, I hate seeing people at work... I hate everyone I work with. I even hate the people I really like at my workplace, not because they're bad people, but because I hate having to go there to see them. I work with people I would gladly hang out with socially, but I don't because I really hate them even though I also like them. I hate them because of work. Even though I like them. (It's confusing, I know.)
I don't fucking care about the god damned paycheck any more and as far as I'm concerned if they forgot to mail them I'd be better off. I could at least stop going and call the whole fucking waste of time off and find a better job.
FUCK THE GOD DAMN PAYCHECK! Leave me the fuck alone already! I don't want to talk about the trouble I'm having with separation right now, not with people at work, not with anybody. The situation sucks. Let's leave it at that, okay? If you can think of nothing else to discuss with me then for God's sake leave me the fuck alone! It's bad enough already.
I don't want the money. This job makes me so fucking miserable I actually contemplated suicide a couple years ago. Can you imagine that? And since then the job has actually got worse! Way fucking worse! God forbid they should find a way to fix the fucking problem. No, they just grounded me and made me even more fucking miserable than I was before. And by God I've managed to get by all this time without blowing the goddamn place up. I think I deserve a fucking medal. (I'm going to get a phone call tomorrow because of that line. That's one of the things I hate about this job; officialdom doesn't "get" sarcasm and they read my shit because they think they have a right to. Fuck them. Fuck you! Are you with one of the pissant agencies that pokes into everything we do? Here's a fast tip for you: I am not a threat, I just hate you and everything you stand for!)
Fact of the matter is, focusing on the paycheck is a loser's prison. I'm not interested in clinging to this job because they're paying me. The paycheck in no way compensates me for the misery caused by the job itself, and insinuating that it in some way does, or could, or should, is deeply insulting. I would rather sell my house and posessions than continue being employed in a job I detest this much simply because I'm getting a paycheck. If I have learned anything from my time with my present employer, it is that in truth I can get by with far fewer things than I actually have. Perhaps it is time I start doing so.