22 December 2008



I don't know what to say but I can't let a whole month go by without a post. Truth is, I get this way sometimes. I want to write, I feel better when I do, but I'm unsure how I feel about... almost everything. And therefore I don't know what to say. I don't even know if I'm happy. I think I am, though, and therefore I assume if I'm happy I must have reason to be, and if I have a reason to be happy, then it would be a foolish thing indeed not to be happy. So I'm happy.

But I don't know if I actually am or if it just logically makes sense that I should be.

And that's pretty much how I feel about everything of late. Goodness me I hope there are jobs out there come January. I'm driving temp for FedEx, which I sort of like, but don't. There's actually nothing about the job I dislike apart from the amount of sitting involved, but it's sitting broken up by frequent short walks, which is good, and better than many other jobs that involve a lot of sitting. So I like the job. Except that it's temporary and amounts to underemployment. So I shouldn't be that happy about it, or, at any rate, I'm not, even though I actually like it. See? I'm confused. Mainly that's what it is, I'm confused.

I need to meditate more. I also need to row more. There are dozens of things I want to do more of, but somehow I don't do them. Am I sitting listlessly in front of the computer all day, or dozing on the couch? No, I don't think so. But I feel like I have enough time in a day to do much more than I do.

Buddha said, life is dissatisfaction. We are always dissatisfied because we are not enlightened and freed from craving. Is productivity a normal craving to have? Perhaps only in America. I feel more released from material craving than I have in the past, which I would like to take for a sign of maturity but is really a result of simply not having the money to spend on things. I've gotten used to saying, well yes I'd like to have one of those, but I'm not going to buy one because I can't. It's actually rather refreshing. I need to apply the same feeling to food, though, because we eat out too often and spend too much when we do eat out. We could really get by with simply eating out less often, or with being more conscientious when we do eat out. Do I need a beer? No. I want one. Well, wants are grand and all, but not financially responsible.

Anyway. Just some rambling. I'll try to drop by and ramble more often, how's that?