15 June 2007

Can You Kill Your Muse?

I'm wondering this lately. Last night I sat down to write a blog post, and nothing would come. Nothing. Not that big a deal really, since I frequently have trouble putting anything on the blog that abides by my self-imposed restriction on political content—a restriction I'm no longer particularly interested in maintaining.

But now I'm worried about whether my muse hasn't taken a permanent vacation. More after the jump.

This inability to come up with decent blog posts has become a bigger problem of late, as regular readers may have noticed. Again, by itself not the biggest concern.
But then, there's Lauderdale. I haven't really done anything to it this year. I did a little work on a new draft in December right after I got home, but since that time I haven't even really looked at it. I printed the thing out, in April, on the theory that it would be harder to ignore in tangible form. Nice theory, but it hasn't worked.

I've written two paragraphs in The Reporter since I got home. I even read the whole thing a couple times but I never felt called to write any more.

I did manage to come up with a new idea earlier this year, in the spring. Two of them, although both had been percolating for some time. I did about 1000 words worth of framing back in May, after Memorial Day weekend. I was inspired by lovebugs. But since then… nothing.

It's not that I don't have the time. If I want the time to write, Smittygirl always lets me take it no questions. If I wanted to write at work… it's not like I'm doing anything else most days. What I do is usually pretty wasteful. But I just don't have the inspiration for it. I'm not feeling it. Even when I was inspired to write something after Memorial Day, it took me two hours to put together 1000 words. The idea was there but I couldn't focus on it and bring it into form.

I've been depressed lately, certainly, but only about work. It's strange… the last two weeks I've actually been extremely happy—outside of work. This week at the office I've just been so irritable I can't do anything. I fly off the handle at nothing. I can't even focus on my work, I'm just so angry about having to be in this job any longer. It's a waste of my time. I can't control my own situation there, I've done everything—hell, most of the people around me have done everything—I can do, frequently two or three times. I've brought it up repeatedly. No one I can talk to can do anything to move my case forward. It's just… sitting. There's nothing for me to do. And yet nothing is happening.

And that constant frustration has to no surprise turned into depression about work. And that depression has morphed into anger and irritation. So at home, sometimes I get depressed or sad, and at work, frequently I'm angry and frustrated. And in no place am I inspired enough to write.

Okay. This is a temporary situation. My depression is related to this short-term environmental situation. I don't want to go on anti-depressants to fix this (the suggestion by my employer that I do so I consider tantamount to forced drugging; welcome to the Brave New World), since they would just be a band-aid designed to cover up a problem that will not be solved until the temporary environmental situation is alleviated.

And I'm willing to concede that my muse is quiet lately because of the depression, frustration, and anger.

But it's been a long time. And last night, as I sat in front of a blank Blogger edit screen, I started to fear my own black dog: that my muse might not come back from this vacation. What if this situation has permanently depressed or destroyed the creative spark that I hoped would be my outlet for the rest of my life.

Is that possible? What do you think?


Vox Populi said...

I think you just got engaged !! It's a momentous occasion followed up by pretending that life is still the same. When of course it is NOT.

Back to the first sentence !

I loved you and smitty girls' posts.

My congratulations to you both. Oh, dive into the political fray. Everything is politics. Once you admit that, everything is clear. (though like you I spent a lifetime saying naahhhhhhhhhhh, leave me out of it, eh??)
That's why I don't discuss it much. Just say what I think, let the chips fall.
But, hey --- take some early days away and tell smitty girl to get a job where she can 'slip away' easier and hit the sunsets. THAT will totally set you right.

Such a light answer ..... but we just came from watching the fiddler crabs duck and click and glide. It was ... complete. And, they'd love to see the new engagement ring. Keep celebrating your engagement. Good show, by the way.
okay, i'm done. LOL

Ayzair said...

Being married to my own often blocked writer who hates his job, feels trapped (until I get a job, hence that thing about resume fonts) and who frequently gets angry and irritable, I can say with certainty that it will come back. You've got a good woman who will support you and give you space (sounds like another fabulous woman I know whose husband is an often blocked writer). And, as I say at least twice a week, situations change. And they will change soon. And while months can be very, very long, you've got a good 50 years left in you.

Brad actually unblocked this weekend. And he didn't write with an audience in mind or with a certain style to emulate. And it was by FAR the best thing he's ever written, really beautiful, and I hope he can come back to it now that its Monday and the frustration will return. What helped him was getting new music and seeing a fabulous movie (which I will blog about). I guess they freed him from everyday thoughts.

It will come back. One day your employer has to let you go, and you're about to start a wonderful new life, and you will be freed. Really.