Things I Learned Today

I occasionally have days that are very instructive in a wide range of areas. Today was such a day.

I learned that at least some people in my squadron think I’m a slacker and worse because I don’t deploy. Of course, I’m grounded and thus can’t deploy as aircrew, and I did try to deploy, for four months, to a damn war zone no less, earlier this year until that trip got cancelled. But that’s what some people think, and aren’t afraid to express.

To my great disappointment, I also learned that this matters to me. It should not matter to me in the slightest. Although I like most of my coworkers as coworkers, certainly there are wild personality and ideological conflicts between me and many of the people who work in my squadron, and I have no special need to consider the majority of these people friends. As long as we can work together, I’ve always thought, I could care less what people think of me—-as long as the higher-ups think I’m doing a decent job.

To my disgust, I learned that I can make rash statements on the basis of these peoples’ opinions that I will later come to regret (sometimes within the hour). I learned that I can be petty and immature for very little reason. These are not nice things to learn about yourself. Still, better to have learned than to remain in the dark. Knowledge is the first step to… what, fixing it? Yeah, I guess that’ll have to do.

It’s a simple matter. I know, in rational moments, that other peoples’ opinions of me aren’t worth the space they occupy in other peoples’ brains. But when I get emotional-—and I do get emotional, more now than I used to—-the rational part of my brain shuts down and I just want to hurt people. That’s not a very good thing.

I was doing so well, too—-I was going to be the bigger person, let the issue die, which it probably will anyway. But I let somebody else talk me into making something out of it—-a statement that, hey, you can’t screw up and blame me when it’s your fault. Because that’s how this whole issue started—-somebody screwed up, and blamed me. And they blamed me because I "don’t remember what it’s like" to deploy. I remember just fine. This person just needed a handy scapegoat. Had I focused on the scapegoating, it would have been appropriate to raise the issue above the level of petty interpersonal squabbling. But I couldn’t. I had to focus on what turns out to be a really super-emotional issue for me, namely, people looking down on me because I don’t deploy any more. I’ve always been afraid that would happen. I try to run my shop with the attitude of, hey, we know what it’s like to deploy here, so we’re going to do everything we can to make your lives easier while you do it. But apparently, that’s either not the message that comes across, or people just want their hands held.

No matter. I got so riled up by the personal insult I stopped thinking straight and decided to make an issue out of it. I think the other people I got involved are understanding enough to recognize that I was out of sorts, and will respect my desire to retract my statement and handle the matter on a personal level… but I feel my reputation with the people who matter, or with one of them at any rate, has been sullied by the whole affair.

What I should have done is left. There’s no reason to sit around and stew in your own juices. I could have gone to the gym, left for an early lunch, or just come home and distracted myself until I calmed down. That’s standard anger management (I know, I've been to the class)—-the issue will still be there, but once the emotion has died down I can handle it much more maturely. What a pity I followed my baser, rather than my better, instincts.

Of course, if I wasn't under this absurd stress of being kept utterly in the dark about my future, I probably would have handled this better. I have much less patience these days than I used to--and I've never had an especially long fuse.

But there is hope! You see, I also learned… well, I’m not sure if what I learned qualifies as actual learning or just hope. But I did get some hope, so much so that if I stop kicking myself over the previous issue I might actually get a decent night’s sleep. They’re working on a "waiver."

By "they" of course I mean the Air Force. The waiver would be to release me from my service commitment. If "they" are working on a "waiver," that’s… well, I admit it’s pretty ambiguous ("working" can mean a lot), but it is so much less ambiguous than not having heard anything at all for seven months! I can’t describe the joy and pleasure this little piece of knowledge brings me!

And it might get better! It seems the window has closed for wrapping me up into "force shaping" (the Air Force is shrinking this year; we call it "force shaping" the same way getting fired is referred to as "downsizing"), so my commander asked if perhaps they could see fit to keep me through the end of this calendar year.

Why would I want to stay in so long? Aside from the additional few months of paycheck (always a plus), there has arisen a fascinating opportunity in a country far, far away, much like the opportunity I thought I had earlier this year, only not in the middle of a civil war. How exciting! I could deploy again! I would feel less… leechlike, I suppose, if I could deploy again before I left.

Plus, I’d be getting out in December, rather than in September. In September almost everyone in the squadron, including the majority of the people I actually like (but not, of course, my new least favorite person), will be gone one place or another. But in December I’ll be able to say goodbye to the people I actually want to say goodbye to. How nice. I should like a nice going away lunch at a place like The Green Iguana, or better yet Sonny’s Barbeque (c’mon, how can you not go to a going-away lunch when it’s at Sonny’s?), where everybody can sit around and talk and laugh and not pay a whit of attention to me except for like two or three minutes when I say, gosh, you people sure are cool but I’m not going to miss this job one bit! I look forward to that.

Of course, there’s no telling if this will actually come to pass. But it feels so much more… more… words fail me. It feels less like I’ve been utterly forgotten by the Air Force and may be left to languish at the squadron for another decade. And that feels wonderful.

I learned other things today, too. It’s easier to slice turkey sausage when it’s frozen. Red wine after white is better than white wine after red. It’s impossible to get all the sauce out of a bottle of Bertolli pasta sauce (who makes a freakin' square bottle?). It isn’t necessary to maintain full insurance coverage on your car in Florida once you’ve paid it off. And there’s a chance I could catch a trip (as a passenger) ten days from now that would give me a night in Okinawa, where I could visit my friend Fiesterville. How cool would that be? We only haven’t seen each other in, what, a year?
Yes, it was an instructive day all around. I wonder how much of it I’ll remember tomorrow?